Saturday, 18 May 2013
Last night I sent Sharon an email about this molluscum stuff. I need to know if she has it. I don’t know if she will tell me. So far she hasn’t replied. But if she replies and says yes, she has it, then it backs up his story somewhat, as it is within the 6 month range. But if she says she doesn’t, then it is more evidence that there were others, not just her, which is honestly what I have believed all along.
I’ve been hiding my head about the possibility of there having been others. I mean, does it make a difference in the long run? The thing about the molluscum has been highly distasteful for me to deal with, partly because it has pushed my face in the physicality of what he has done, and also because it has re-introduced the possibility of there having been others, which reinforces the possibility that he has lied to me. Before now he could easily have been telling the truth that it was only Sharon, and they only had sex because he had feelings for her, which is somehow easier to understand/deal with than simply sticking his knob in any diseased cunt, putting me at risk for no reason, which is disgusting to me. I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth, even though there were nagging doubts, in much the same way I wanted to believe him when he told me it was only texting between him and Sharon, which proved not to be the case.
Honestly, I believe he is lying through his teeth. I think if Sharon does reply to me, which I’m not sure she will, it’s a very personal thing to ask someone, but I think she will NOT have had this, which means I have to confront the FACT that he got it from someone else, which means he definitely lied to me. It’s the lying I think that bothers me more than anything else. I can see him panicking now. He’s been a classic cheater, only admitting to what I can prove all along. First it was “just texting” then it was “just meals” then it was “yes, sex, but only with her.” Why should I believe him now? And, I don’t think he is denying it vociferously enough, which sounds daft. He’s wriggling like a worm, trying to get out of admitting that he has lied.
He has already tried to fog the issue by saying that it’s possible to get it from swimming pools, sharing towels, etc, which is true, but he has it in his genital area only, not anywhere else, which means pretty much 100% that it was sexually transmitted. And has he been swimming or shared any towels in the last few months? I hardly think so. Besides if that had been the case they would be on other parts of his body and they are not.
He even said that “at least he told me about this” – like he wanted some kind of credit for telling the truth when he could have lied.
I’m not going to do anything until Sharon replies.
Well, Sharon replied saying she has not and never has had this infection. TBH I’m not really surprised. The only question is, what do I do now? I now know for a fact that he has lied to me, which takes any trust we might have built back up right back to where we started.
I texted him saying "I KNOW you lied. Sharon doesn't have them and never has had. Let me know when you're prepared to tell me the WHOLE truth."
He texted me back after 90 minutes saying "I assume you don't want me to come round then."
I reply saying "Depends on whether I'm going to get truth or bullsh!t"
He didn't reply. Half an hour later I texted him again saying "Don't I deserve the truth?"
I pretty much went round to his house immediately after that, I didn't even wait for a reply. I needed to know the truth and I was going to damn well get it. He only lives 5 minutes round the corner.
So I turn up, unannounced. He looks at me oddly when I walk in, then puts the kettle on.
I get "Why are you here?"
So I tell him I need to know the truth.
Cue ten minutes of prevarication, but he is clearly very uncomfortable. He wants to know why I need to know. I tell him that I can't explain why, I just do. I get him to admit that there was someone else over and above the OW which I knew about. I try to explain again why I need to know. I tell him that if he DOESN'T tell me, then we are definitely over.
He wants to know what happens if he does tell me.
It depends on what you tell me, I say. I tell him that if he doesn't tell me what happened, then my imagination runs wild, thinking the worst. And the worst is that he was running around sticking it into any diseased c*** that will have him. Or prostitutes.
I finally manage to persuade him to tell me the truth. His face sort of drops and he says, "Well, I may as well."
It was after the first one had ended. He had met this one on the dating site also, after the first one finished with him. He met up with her about three times, they had sex twice. Then she ended it, said she wanted more. I asked him what 'more' did she want that he wasn't prepared to give her, and he said he didn't know, he didn't ask. He said probably because they had only seen each other twice over a few weeks and it wasn't enough for her.
He says there have been no more since then. This time I believe him. I am pretty good at telling when he is lying, and every time so far my gut has been spot on. But I didn't get that warning this time. I actually believe him.
So, how does this change things? I strongly suspected there had been another, and now I find out there definitely was. The only difference is, now I know for sure and I have the details.
The biggest issue is that he lied to me about it for the last 2.5 months, so trust-wise and R-wise we are right back to square one again.
I feel numb. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did the first time.
My common sense is screaming at me to get out, to post off the D papers and tell him where to go. But the little voice that has kept me going through the R so far is still there, saying we could have a chance if we can get past this.
That's the thing, I don't know if I can. But I don't know if I'm completely ready to let go yet either.
He's gutted that he let me down again. He says he feels unworthy of me, of having any kind of opinion or input into where we go from here. He says it's all down to me to decide.
I left saying that I would text him. That it might be a couple of days while I work out how I feel about this.
I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.
Friday, 17 May 2013
The other day I was talking to Bethany about Graham and me and stuff and she suggested that maybe we should take turns arranging date nights, as Graham is resisting having to do everything. I thought that was a good idea so I suggested we go to the cinema this Saturday to see the new Star Trek film, and Frankie and Benny’s. He agreed enthusiastically.
But yesterday when I went to get Ruby from school, as she stood up to come to the door, she vomited all over the floor. Her teacher and I cleaned her up and I brought her home. She vomited twice more that evening, but she has been okay overnight and also so far today, but all she’s had is water.
If she carries on being sick then obviously we will have to cancel our plans. When I told him, Graham did say that maybe we could still see each other anyway, which is promising, but it depends on how Ruby is.
Right now I am watching him on Find My Friends – he is at the Whitegate Drive Health Centre, but I don’t know why. I sent him a text asking him if he was ill but I’ve got no reply so far. It’s silly. I’m sure he has a perfectly valid reason for being there, but because I don’t know what it is, and I didn’t know he was going, I’m sat here sick with anxiety. I’m sure he’s not having an affair with someone at the Health Centre, but it’s 10am and he’s usually still in bed if he doesn’t have work, especially after the last couple of days where he was working during the day AND all night and barely got any sleep. I’m a bit concerned.
There’s the walk-in centre, the sexual health clinic (which concerns me, even though his tests came back clear) and the emergency dentist, which it could be. He lost a filling a while ago and he doesn’t go to the dentist as often as he should – but then neither do I.
He’s just responded to my “Are you ill” with a “Not really. I will talk to you later xx” so hopefully it’s nothing to worry about.
Now I’m dying of curiosity. He texted me after he’d got home, asking me if I could come round for “a chat”. I can’t as I’ve got Ruby home as she’s ill. I asked him was it to do with him being at the Health Centre all morning. He said it was and he wanted to talk face to face “to avoid misunderstandings”. But he did say it was nothing to worry about. I can’t imagine what it could be. I don’t know what else they do there. It can’t be dental as that wouldn’t involve me. The STD thing is a worry, but then he told me I had nothing to worry about.
I told him once Beth is home from school I can pop round and leave Ruby with her. Which means I have to wait 3.5 HOURS till I find out what’s on his mind!
Well, I couldn’t wait. I took Ruby to the walk-in centre as she was still saying her ear hurt, and I texted him saying that if it was okay, we could come round afterwards, if he didn’t mind Ruby being there. He said that was okay and we went.
Apparently he has molluscum contagiosum. I knew what this was as Bethany had it when she was about two. She had picked it up when we were in Florida – it is common in hot humid countries and is often passed from sharing towels. But among adults, when the spots are found in the genital area – it is also passed through sexual contact, so is classed as an STI also. It can lie dormant in the body and then flare up at times of stress. So it is quite possible that he caught it off Sharon and it only just showed up – he says they appeared after he did that long drive to Arbroath a couple of weeks ago. We have not had sex since then and it is only the spots that are contagious so the chances of me having it are slim. But then again, the things I’m reading also say that it is not know if pre-legion skin is contagious or not, so I could still get it. From what I’m reading it says the length of time after infection till the spots show up averages two to eight WEEKS, although it can be as long as six months. So I am freaking a bit that there were more that he hasn’t told me about. If it is six months, then that ties in with Sharon, as the last time they had sex was the end of November, and these spots showed up a couple of weeks ago, which would make it 5.5 months. But it’s pushing it a bit. I’m leaning towards there having been someone else, maybe a ONS
This morning he went to the STD clinic and they froze the spots off. It’s also why he didn’t want to have sex last weekend, partly because I would see them and want to know what they were, and he didn’t want to talk to me till he knew for sure what it was and also because he didn’t want to pass them on to me.
When he was telling me all of this I was a bit shaky. It was a HUGE reminder of what had happened and naturally I was upset. I think I would have freaked out more if I hadn’t already heard of them though, although it is classed as an STD in adults, even though it can be passed through non-sexual contact.
I’m a bit sickened. He had sex with some scabby diseased woman and might have given it to me.
From what I just read, it may need several sessions to clear all the spots, with three weeks between sessions. Because the spots are in his pubic hair and not actually on his penis, using a condom won’t stop all skin-to-skin contact which means I could still get infected if we have sex. I did read that you could use a liquid plaster, which you can spray on or paint on to form a barrier over the spots while you have sex. It’s not exactly sexy though.
After this, surprisingly, we had quite a good talk. We talked a lot about our respective counselling. I told him that what I do need him to do is, now that’s it’s pretty confirmed that I am on the spectrum somewhere, I do need him to be understanding about that, and realise that I can’t always help the way I am and that he can’t expect me to behave like a ‘normal’ person.
One of the things I asked him was, did he understand why I had backed off. He said no, but he was actually relieved I had backed off, that he felt under a lot of pressure. So I tried to explain that I had felt frustrated that he wasn’t doing some of the things I wanted him to do, and that the more I pressed, the more he resisted, but the more he resisted, the more I pressed, and I was getting frustrated and upset and angry that I felt he wasn’t willing to do his role, or even find out what his role was. But I told him that the forum people had told me that what I was doing clearly wasn't working and I had to stop. So I stopped. I think today I managed to put forward my points calmly enough that he actually might do a little research of his own and try to find out what his role is. One thing he has done is order Blu-ray copies of the last three Harry Potter films for me and Bethany – apparently on Blockbuster marketplace they are selling ex-rental copies at 4 for £10 which is awesome. I thought that was really thoughtful.
It’s hard because when we talk and he is nice like he was today, I remember why we fell in love. And then I go away and remember what he did and get upset and angry all over again. I want to forgive him, I’m just not sure I can. But when we said goodbye I told him that the best thing he can do is just be nice, and show me what a nice person he can be, and let me fall in love with him again.
He’s coming round tomorrow for tea and to stay.
I found out yesterday that our house that we rent has been put on the market. So now I have a whole new problem to deal with. We love this house and if it sells we will have to move. I can be difficult and make them evict me, which is perfectly legal with no repercussions for me so long as I continue to pay the rent. Or I just suck it up and move out. It’s tempting to up sticks and move out ASAP then the landlord is stuck paying the mortgage till the house sells.
But what has really shocked me is, the idea crossed my mind of moving back in with Graham. The pros are that it would be a BIG step to fixing our marriage. But there are so many cons it’s not funny. All the reasons we moved out in the first place, the fact that we’d all have to squeeze back into the house I hated anyway, the practical issues; I have a huge new sofa that I’ll be paying for for the next four years, he has his new exercise equipment, we are both now quite used to having our own space again. I have found another house with MUCH cheaper rent, which does have a fourth bedroom in the attic that Bethany wants. What would be ideal is if the landlord offers to pay my relocation costs in return for me not being difficult and making the new owners evict me. I’d still have the hassle of moving, but at least not the expense.
But then again it’s only just gone on the market. It could take months to sell. But he has put it on the market at £15,000 LESS than last time, so it might sell quickly. I just don’t know and it’s a horrible situation to be in.
I’m really pissed off that I wasn't told. I only found out when the estate agent rang ME to arrange a viewing. I was confused and told him that as far as I knew, the house wasn't for sale. He sounded flustered and said he’d ring me back, but then he didn’t. This was yesterday afternoon. SO I jumped on their website and found out it had been put on the market on the 15th May. Since then, no one has been in touch with me. I did shedloads of research about what my rights are. Even if they issue me with notice to quit, which is two months, I actually don’t have to move. I can stay put and if I don’t leave then they have to go to court to evict me, which can take up to three months. Then even if they get an order of eviction they have to give me six weeks to find somewhere else. Even then, I don’t have to legally leave until the bailiffs come and physically remove me. So any new owners would potentially have a five-six month wait to actually take possession. If I spell all this out to anyone viewing the property, then it might put them off, making it difficult for the owner to sell.
Sunday, 12 May 2013
Well, last night was interesting. We went to the hotel first. On the way up, I debated whether to mention me feelings about the Savoy to Graham. I did in the end as I didn’t want to eat there, I would rather we went somewhere else. So I decided it was important to tell him because I knew that as soon as we entered the hotel, my feelings would show on my face and if he was in an observant frame of mind, he would notice.
I made sure to tell him that I knew he had booked the Savoy with the best of intentions and that he had no way of knowing how it would affect me, but…then I told him how I felt and why. He understood. I think he felt a little bad, but I made sure to reiterate he could not have known how I would feel. I didn’t expect it either.
So we decided to go to a Chinese restaurant in Bispham, but we went to the hotel first to check in and drop off our stuff. We went upstairs to our room, opened the door…and there was a woman in there straightening her hair!!!
Graham went downstairs to see what had happened and apparently this couple had been booked in on the computer as a no-show, so the room had been resold the other night when he had booked it. They said all they had left were two single rooms or a twin room! So we had to take the twin room. He came back upstairs with the key and we put our stuff in the room. When we went downstairs again I went to talk to the guy behind the desk. I told him I wasn't happy, that we were a married couple and hadn’t exactly planned on spending the night in a twin room, if you know what I mean. He said he was very sorry, but there was nothing he could do. I asked him if there was anything he could do to make it up for us, and we ended up with a free bottle of wine!
Anyway, the meal was nice and we went back to our twin room. The wine was there, although it was only 5.5% perry – barely wine at all.
Last time we had seen each other I had suggested sex and he had blown me out, saying he thought I was kidding. But I was really upset and said that I wasn’t going to make any more overtures any more, why put myself in that position only to be rejected? So when we got back to the room, I did nothing, didn’t kiss him, didn’t snuggle, nothing, just lay on my bed. He put the TV on and we chatted and watched Britain’s Got Talent for about an hour. I didn’t get undressed, I was waiting to see if he would make any moves on me. But he didn’t. So eventually I got tired – I checked the time and it was 12.40am – no wonder I was tired. So I started to get undressed and I put my nightie on, then got into bed.
Then he got undressed and then sat on the side of his bed, looking at me oddly.
I asked him what was the matter and he said, “Were you expecting sex tonight?”
Not ,“Do you want to have sex,” or anything like that, no overtures, no attempt at seduction, nothing to make me think HE wanted to have sex.
So I just said no and said that was pretty much out of the running as soon as we got this room with the two single beds. I didn’t ask him if HE wanted sex, nor did I make any suggestion. I want him to do everything. I’ve had enough of being the instigator. Let him wonder why I don’t want sex, not the other way round.
So we talked about it very briefly, then he came over and kissed me – just a peck on the lips – and we said goodnight.
Neither of us slept awfully well; the beds were hard and uncomfortable. There was music coming from downstairs till very late and then quite early in the morning the floorboards were creaking in the rooms around us as people got up, then the sounds of suitcases being rolled along the corridors was noisy too. So we got up and went down to breakfast. It wasn't uncomfortable at all, we had a nice morning and then we came back to mine. He came in for coffee and we talked for a couple of hours. We held hands, but no kissing.
Then, as he was about to leave, he held his arms out for a hug and we cuddled for a while. It was a nice hug then we kissed, and it was a nice kiss, but nothing else, even though he ‘honked’ my boobs.
I want to be seduced. I want him to make moves on me. I want to know that he wants ME. Honestly, if he had made moves on me, either last night or this morning, I would have been totally up for it. But I’m not going to make moves on him. He has to do it. I’m a little disappointed that he didn’t, but far better to be a little disappointed, than to make the moves on him, and be devastated when he rejected me.
Overall it was a good night, reminiscent of one of our early dates, when we were still both careful and unsure, and no sex at the end.
Saturday, 11 May 2013
Last night we were texting and he told me he’d booked a hotel room for us tonight – at the Savoy, where we got married! I just stared at that line of text on the screen. On the one hand I was touched that he had booked us a room, it showed that he was trying. He said it would be a neutral venue where we had some happy memories.
But at the Savoy! The place where, last time we were there was the happiest day of my life, where he had vowed to love me and be faithful to me forever, and yet, barely more than two years later he was breaking those vows and killing our marriage.
I don’t think he has a clue. I think he thinks he is doing the right thing. I’m not sure I can get through this without showing how being there, of all places, makes me feel. The last time I walked through those doors was the happiest day of my life. I think I might just cry.
On the plus side, I finally have an appointment about my Asperger’s, next Wednesday, and we also both have appointments with Relate. His is on 29th May and mine is a week later, on 5th June. After that we will have an ongoing appointment every Wednesday at 7pm, which is perfect, as it means Beth does not have to give up her tumble class, and when Louise is back with us, she can babysit those nights she is here. I will have to trust Beth to put Ruby to bed the nights Louise can’t do. But she will be 12 by then, I think she is old enough – she is certainly sensible enough.
I also have a date for my sterilisation – 12th June. It’s been a week for appointments! And they are all on Wednesdays, funnily enough! But I have to be there at bloody 7.15am!!! Which means Graham will have to stay the night before and take me to the hospital for 7.15. Beth will have to get Ruby up and ready for school, then Graham will have to come back and take them both to school, then pick me up when I’m done, then pick up Ruby from school.
Thursday, 9 May 2013
We had a pleasant text conversation yesterday, which was nice, but I’m being cautious. He sets a lot of store by how many kisses we put at the end of our text messages. It used always to be five or six. When he’s annoyed with me, he doesn’t send any. Recently it’s been one. I accidentally sent a message with two, as I always send two to Bethany or Louise, so I put two out of habit. Every message he sent to me after that had two.
A few weeks ago I was reading some old emails he sent me during his affair. He used to just hold down the x key. One email had about 30+ kisses. Did that mean he loved me 30x more then? I don’t think so.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
It was two months yesterday. We had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday – I have a dinner date this Saturday, and it came from him!
We texted throughout Sunday and it didn’t seem to be getting anywhere really.
ME: "I don't want advice' translates to me as "I don't want people telling me I'm wrong." Yes, you have done what I asked with regard to the rebuilding of trust, but right now my issue is not one of trust, it's me not being convinced that you are prepared to work on fixing our marriage. You said "if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't." That tells me that you don't really care either way. I have asked you twice if you want this marriage and both times you have said "I don't know". That's just not good enough. I do not want to work on a marriage to someone who doesn't know if he wants to be married to me. That sad part is, I WAS prepared to work on it with you, but I think I was the only one.
HIM: The sad part is that you think the only way is your way. Our relationship is strange to say the least and I think it suits you and to a point me also. I think what scares me is that we end up like Neil & Becky in that you will always resent me for betraying you and keep throwing it at me. You work differently to me and gain comfort from forums and books, I prefer to just get on with things. We need proper help to sort this and I don't think just because you have been there instantly makes you an expert. I say I don't know because I feel selfish and that maybe I should let you go, all I seem to do is hurt you and upset you, that is not what you want from your life. I don't think you have any more idea than I do as to how to fix this. I do think you are being unfair as I have done what you have asked mostly but I feel that you need to tell me what would make it right as only you know that.
ME: So, I'll ask you again. Do you want to work on this marriage?
HIM: (About 20 mins later) Sorry been on the phone to Pauline. I do want to work on it but we need help.
ME: Well if you will only listen to the counsellor and not anyone else, then I guess we'll just have to wait till they get in touch
HIM: That is not what I am saying. We are both in this and the only person I am listening to is you. The counsellor will help us improve the areas we fail in. We both need to be happy with what we are doing otherwise it won't work at all.
ME: It's not working now at all. I am not happy with what you are prepared to do. I am saying that we should wait until counselling begins as we are clearly incapable of doing it on our own.
HIM: Ok so do we have no interaction until that happens?
ME: Our interactions haven't been all that successful so far have they? At least there'd be no more arguments.
HIM: That's true as there wouldn't be anything at all.
ME: Which is infinitely preferable to the arguments.
HIM: Ok if that's what you want. Let me know when you have had your appointment then so we can agree a joint one. Other than that I assume we will have no further contact then?
ME: You'll have to let me know first as they will be in touch with you to agree a time. After that I assume they will be weekly at the same time so we’ll just have to turn up.
HIM: Tbh this seems pointless, I get the distinct impression that you are trying to force the issue. It could be weeks or months before we get an appointment and you know it. If you want to file the papers just do it as I think that is what you want anyway. I don't see that pretending each other don't exist due the duration is going to be any more helpful.
ME: So on the one hand you say that only the counsellor will be able to help us, and then when I suggest waiting until the counsellor can help us, you don't want that. What do you want? Do you think we're doing a good job of it on our own?
HIM: No I didn't say that, what I said was that we needed expert assistance. We had a falling out last week, we have not got beyond it yet because you feel that you should let me do all the legwork. I don't agree as I feel that if you wanted me to visit you then you would ask me and you didn't. I think that we are both struggling with what is right but you can't put a relationship on hold, we either have one or we don't.
ME: You keep telling me what you think I want. What I actually want is for you to take the advice that I have got from the books and the experts UNTIL such time as we can start seeing the counsellor and get personal advice. What I want is for you to whole-heartedly enter into the healing process and LISTEN to me when I tell you what I need you to do. And not just listen, to DO it, even if you don't think it is necessary. you say that we both need to be happy, well if you do what I need you to do then it will help to fix our marriage which will make both of us happy. My perfect outcome would be a happy marriage with you. That is what I want. But a divorce is preferable to trying to work at a marriage with someone who is not willing to put in the effort to work at it, starting from now. And, no, no one mentioned it might be months till we saw a counsellor so I did not 'know' that.
HIM: So why can't you just tell me what the advice says then, surely that is easier?
ME: That's what I have been trying to do.
HIM: I must have missed it then. I have put effort in, the last few weeks have been odd and haven't felt right. If you stop trying then it fails as I don't know what you want or need and reading some forum or book won't tell me that as they are not you.
ME: Ill have to get back to you as mum and dad have arrived.
HIM: Ok no probs
ME: (Later in the evening) OK - I have been doing a little reading although I have to do my ironing right now. One thing I did realise is that we DO have a trust issue. Not the issue of trusting you not to cheat again, but the issue of me trusting you with my heart again, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, that's something you can overcome by showing me that I CAN trust you with my heart again, by exhibiting caring behaviour. I'm also concerned that I'm picking up conflicting messages from you. When i tell you what i need from you, you resist me, but when I don't tell you what I need, you tell me that you don't know because I'm not telling you. But I have to be able to trust that if I DO tell you what i need, you will actually do it, and not resist me. I could spend hours reading and collating all the advice from the various experts and resources and you could just refuse to do them. And then we are no further on and I feel let down because you have dismissed everything I am trying to do to help us. I HAVE been telling you my needs and I HAVE been passing on the advice I have got, but you have dismissed it as "Stuff you read from books and forums". If I tell you the same things again, what assurance do I have that you will not jut dismiss it again?
HIM: You generally tell me what you want at a point when we are not getting on so the resistance is due to me being upset so I can't relate to what you want. When we are getting on I am happy to do what I can. It is a strange situation that we are in and the last 2 weeks have been strained. We need to become comfortable with each other first before we start looking at what needs to be done to help our relationship move forward.
ME: Problem is, I can't start to feel comfortable with you if I don't feel that you are pulling your weight as regards rebuilding our relationship. And I don't feel you have been
HIM: I feel that is an unfair assessment. I have done many of the things you have asked.
ME: Yes you have, but they have all come from me. But then we already had that conversation and I don't want to argue again.
HIM: But surely that's the point as the only person that can guide this really is you. I have to go with how you feel and what you need. I can't tell you how that should be.
ME: Sometimes what I need is for you to take the lead and show me that you care. I told you this. I should not have to hold your hand and tell you HOW to show me that you care. Right now I need more than anything else to know that you love me and you want to work at this marriage. If you can show me that, we're more than halfway there. I also need you to stop resisting me when I ask you to do things, even when you personally don't think those things will be beneficial. So I have now in this text given you two concrete things you can think about and see if you can work on. Another is to re-read the document I sent you way back in March - it was called "Understanding your betrayed spouse: A quick reference manual". Some of what is in there we have already worked through, but some is still relevant. The most important thing I need from you right now is love and TLC.
HIM: (He sent this 3 HOURS later at 2.42 am – he never explained the delay) Tbh I only resist when we aren't getting on. It is hard to show someone you love them when you have fallen out with them. I need confirmation from you that we are ok but that is not currently the case.
The next day was Monday. I had taken the girls for a picnic on the beach as it was Bank Holiday. I waited till I thought he would be awake and started again.
ME: So you resist because we're not ok, but we're not ok because you resist. Any suggestions?
HIM: This is why I hate texts. We are not getting on because we fell out and we are both feeling let down. The difference is that you don't feel I should as I have caused all of this. I came to see you on Monday to try and rectify the situation, it seemed to help but then nothing else has happened since from either wide other than falling out again the other night. My only suggestion wood be that we meet face to face and try to resolve this as texts and ft clearly don't help.
ME: I can do that. What did u have in mind?
HIM: Hadn't thought that far but depends when you are free
ME: Well I'm working all week and I do need to crack on - maybe this weekend.
HIM: Ok when?
ME: Well what did u have in mind? Do I need to arrange a babysitter?
HIM: I didn't have anything specific but we could go out for dinner if you want
ME: That would be nice :)
HIM: Would you prefer fri or sat?
ME: Sat is prob better as I can take the girls to mum and dads sat day and pick them up sun when I go up for dinner.
HIM: Ok no probs, will let you know
ME: night night
HIM: Night night, sleep well x
ME: You too x
So, that is encouraging I think. It wasn’t exactly “Shall we go out on a date night, darling” it was more of “we need to meet up to talk about our shit” – but at least it came mostly from him, with a little direction. I need to find a balance between being encouraging so he feels that if he DOES make suggestions they will be well-received, and being too eager so he thinks all he has to do is take me out on a date and all is forgiven.
However, this does not solve the problem of him somehow getting and TAKING the advice before we get to counselling. He says can’t I just tell him, but basically that involves me going through the entire book, figuring out what I think would be helpful to him and I still have to convey that information to him, either by typing out half the book or reading it to him, which is not easier at all, not for me anyway.
The other problem is that I don’t know what I want any more. My thoughts and feelings change pretty much daily, if not hourly. Sometimes I hate his guts and can’t help thinking of all the lies he told, and the things he did with her. Sometimes I feel that my life would be far simpler without him in it. I’m honestly not sure if we have anything worth saving any more. I mean, what do I get out of our relationship? I barely get sex, the last time I asked for a hug he watched me sit and cry and beg and simply refused. I should not have to ask for these basic signs of affection. Is it worth it for the slim chance that he MIGHT be able to change his very nature and I MIGHT be able to forgive him and get past his affair.
Maybe I should just find someone else to give me hugs.
Then again, the vengeful part of me thinks if I can stretch this out as long as I can, make him work for it, in the meantime doing he 180 to distance myself emotionally from him, THEN calmly turn round and tell him it’s not working, that would be a sweet revenge. Not sure I am that cruel, but it’s nice thinking about it.
I’ll wait and see how dinner goes. If we can manage to have a civil conversation I’ll consider it. But one more row and I’m sending off the papers.
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Well, our conversation continued.
HIM: I don't want advice, I already told you that. This is for us to sort out with the help of a counsellor. You have told me what you need at times and the only time I have not been able to help in that is when we have fallen out over something else. We have still not resolved our previous fall out so the current situation is still raw and we haven't been able to get beyond it yet. I think you want to file but need me to validate it for you. If it would make you happy then just do it, I can't affect that decision.
ME: If I told you that this is one of the things I need you to do, would you do it?
HIM: Why do you need me to do it? Do they all have exactly the same set up as us where they don't live together?
ME: Do you think that makes a difference to how I feel? Or how you can help me? You said who knows what's necessary. They do. There are a lot of good people on there who have been through this, worse than this and come out the other side. At the very least it would show me that you cared enough to try.
HIM: Yes I do as it affects the dynamic of our relationship. So before the Internet how the hell did people deal with issues like this?
ME: I don't know as I never had to deal with this before. It does not make a difference at all to how I feel!
HIM: I didn't say it affected the feelings but the dynamic is such that at least you don't have to face me every day. Therefore things are very different and each situation is unique, so what works for one will not necessarily work for another.
ME: So you explain the situation. There is still plenty you can do to help me. And yes there are people on there who are not living together, but they tend to be in the early stages where one has left. The old timers who have the most experience have got past that stage.
HIM: It's simple, I cheated and you have chosen to try and reconcile that and continue with our relationship. I deeply regret what I did and would like to help resolve this by regaining your trust. I can't do the whole books and forum thing as it does nothing for me. If it helps you then fair enough. I don't see that we are really doing anything much different than before other than possibly the date nights and that is something we talked about before this happened.
ME: So basically you're not prepared to do what I need as you see no value in it. It's late and I'm going to bed. Good night
HIM: Ok good night. I didn't say that, I just don't think it helps me and as I am also involved in this I think my view matters as well. It needs to work for both of us not just one otherwise it is pointless.
“I don’t want advice” translates to “I don’t want people telling me that I’m wrong.”
During our entire conversation last night, not once did he reassure me that he loved me, or that he would do anything to make our marriage work. All I got was basically “I will do what I think is necessary and nothing more. What you think/want/need is irrelevant if it doesn’t help me. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I am not prepared to actually work on it or put myself out in any way at all and I basically don’t really care one way or another.”
I don’t think that’s enough for me.